Live Blogging Pakistan Vs New Zealand 1st Test Day 1

12:23 a.m. Well the day finishes on a bullshit end. Whatever. NZ finish on 276-6. Honors even I'd say. Our bowlers tried hard all day, and given the circumstances, did well. Let's see what happens tomorrow morning. Thanks for reading. I will NOT be blogging this tomorrow or even the day after, but I will come back for the fourth day possibly. See you then.

12:22 a.m. And he's safe! They say it hit him outside the line. Marginal. Marginal.

12:20 a.m. Drama in the last over here! Simon Taufel gives McCullum out LBW to Asif off the second last ball of the day. McCullum challenges it.

12:18 a.m. Khatmal: no, AKS and NB are still nominally part of the blog. Nominally.

12:17 a.m. So Asif to bowl the last over. Here we go.

12:16 a.m. Sigh. Vettori with four more through the covers. Our bowling with the new ball has been quite uninspired, it must be said. But I can't let that Vettori drop go. Goddamn Really Fucking Stupid Imran. Oh, how I loathe him.

12:14 a.m. God, our readers are an unforgiving bunch. And to answer your questions, yes, I'm fairly satisfied with this. We need one wicket early tomorrow and we're set. Could it have been better? Obviously. But I'll take this.

12:10 a.m. I hope you're happy now, Really Fucking Stupid Imran. I hope you're happy.

12:08 a.m. This partnership is starting to piss me off. Four more for Vettori, even though his drive hit the stumps at the other end. Still hit good enough to go to the boundary.

12:07 a.m. Asif back in to the attack, replacing Aamer.

12:05 a.m. Beautiful. McCullum drives Gull between mid-off and cover, just opening the face at the last nano-second to get it through the gap. Great shot. 261-6, and the pendulum has once again swung NZ's way.

12:04 a.m. Gullee just going through the motions now. I think these guys just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.

12:01 a.m. Vettori has moved on to 27 in no time. As I said earlier, this has been a key partnership for NZ. They really could've been shot out for 250 for a while there. Anything above 320 or so is really going to push us, I feel.

11:59 p.m. And now a mere nudge/push from Vettori goes for four off Aamer. 257-6. Remember how I said I'd be happy with 270 odd for 6? Well, it looks like the cricketing gods are going to see whether or not I live up to my word.

11:57 p.m. Well, I think it's clear our quicks are done. They've had a long hard day, and it's the first test for us in a while. McCullum gets four more down the ground. I say give Faady and Malik the last few overs of the day to see if they get themselves out.

11:55 p.m. Rubbish. Short and outside off, spanked through the offside for four by McCullum. NZ have had a good little session here in the last half hour.

11:53 p.m. Gullee back into the attack, replacing Asif. Come on Gullee. Just bomb one of these two out. Come on.

11:52 p.m. Alright, Wicky and Crowe. Get a room. Bus, bohat ho gaya hai.

11:49 p.m. It's 244-6, by the way. NZ has gotten back on a firmish footing here.

11:48 p.m. A romantic session of reminiscing between Waqar and Martin Crowe is broken up by Yousuf directly hitting the stumps to a quick single. Not out. Carry on, Wicky and Crowe. I think you were two in the middle of undressing each other.

11:43 p.m. NZ don't look too troubled by this new ball, to be honest. I also think Aamer is tiring just a touch.

11:42 p.m. Uh oh on two counts. One, the umpires are checking their light meters. Two, Aamir is just turning his ankle and stretching. Bhai, please let nothing happen to this kid. He seems ok though.

11:39 p.m. Tch. Short, and Vettori swivels and pulls him for four. Nothing short with the new ball, yaar. Come on.

11:37 p.m. Straight away Asif hits the spot. What a guy. Key passage here. Ten overs. One or two wickets. That's all we need. Come on guys. Let's close today strong.

11:35 p.m. And the new ball is being taken straight away. Asif back into the attack, just four overs after leaving it.

11:33 p.m. Aamer still cranking it up, even though it's late in the day. "Spirited performance" is what Martin Crowe calls it, and he's dead-on.

11:30 p.m. One more over for the new ball. NZ, by the way, are 229-6. They'll be looking to just bat eleven more overs with these two at the crease. They're basically full batsmen at this point, both of them.

11:28 p.m. Rubbish from Ajmal. Short, outside off, four. McCullum's first boundary. Ajmal has bowled a lot of overs today. He has to be tiring. Right?

11:27 p.m. Vettori pulls Aamer through midwicket for four. More a short-arm jab that. Come on, Aamer. Keep the pressure on. Don't let 'em off.

11:24 p.m. Um, ok. Asif is taken off for Aamer. I will now stop issuing unqualified statements. I think.

11:22 p.m. Another really solid over from Ajmal, who's racing through his overs, not allowing them to settle. 219-6. Three overs before the new ball. The way he's bowling, I cannot see Asif being taken off any time soon. So Aamer will probably get it from the other end, if Yousuf chooses to take it straight away that is.

11:20 p.m. Nice shot from Vettori. Again a probing line and length from Asif, but Vettori pushes it through the off side for four. "Hopefully that's the beginning of a long innings from the New Zealand captain," bleats Craig McMillan. These guys don't even pretend to be neutral. Them and the Saffies are the worst in this regard.

11:18 p.m. He really is a joy to watch with the ball in his hand, this guy. He's a purist's bowler.

11:16 p.m. Jaffa. Asif beats Vettori again. Just awe-inspiring control from Asif. You put a coin on the pitch and he'll be able to hit it 9 times out of 10. By the way, he hasn't played a test in two years. What a guy.

11:15 p.m. Oooooh. Ajmal beats McCullum all ends up. That turned and bounced a mile. How it missed off stump and the edge at the same time is beyond me. Anyway, just the one off the over, another tight one from Ajmal.

11:13 p.m. Ahem. NZ are 212-6. Ajmal continuing. Vettori tries to sweep him, it goes straight up, but lands short of deep fine leg. Dangerous that.

11:12 p.m. I have one question: WHY THE FUCK IS IMRAN FUCKING FARHAT AT FIRST FUCKING SLIP WHEN HE'S NEVER FUCKING CAUGHT ANY FUCKING THING IN HIS FUCKING LIFE AT THAT FUCKING POSITION?

11:10 p.m. If you're keeping track, he's now dropped two catches at first slip. Please go back and read my entry at 5:20 p.m. That was before the first drop, mind.

11:09 p.m. Hahahahaha. Really Fucking Stupid Imran drops another! Classic stuff. Asif gets Vettori nicking it first ball, it goes low to Really Fucking Stupid Imran, and it goes straight through his hands. What's more, he tries to tell Asif that it bounced ahead of him, when replays are clear as daylight that it went on the full. Idiot. Lying idiot.

11:07 p.m. Gone! Asif gets another! Just reward for some brilliant bowling, throughout the day. Do I even to describe this? You know it's on a good length, you know it's just outside off, you know it just nibbles a bit off the pitch. Elliot went fishing, and he's gone. NZ in trouble now, 211-6. And give some credit to Yousuf -- he brought Asif in when it wasn't all that obvious that he was the right choice. Kudos. Vettori in.

11:06 p.m. UFONE tum hee to ho! That's some catchy shit dude.

11:06 p.m. Two relatively new batsmen in against Ajmal means there's a crowd around the bat. Slip, silly point, short leg. Just the single off the over.

11:01 p.m. For some bizarre reason, Yousuf only has two slips and a gully for the new batsman. Also, McCullum looks to impose himself on Asif first up, which Asif won't mind at all. He LOVES new batsman taking him on. Anyway, that's the end of the over.

11:01 p.m. McCullum in at 210-5.

11:00 p.m. We've plugged away all day. This has been a really non-Pakistani performance in the field, in that it has been workmanlike and not spectacular, but has gotten the job done (at least so far). Good on us.

10:59 p.m. Gone! Asif gets Fulton, bowled with one that stays low (think Tendulkar at Karachi in 06). Well, that came from nowhere. But Asif is always a threat to get a wicket because he's always bowling wicket to wicket. Timely that, especially with the new ball due in about eight overs.

10:56 p.m. Aside from a rubbish full toss on leg stump, another good over from Ajmal. He had Fulton poking and prodding the whole over. Their run rate, by the way, is less than three (209-4 in 71).

10:53 p.m. Another maiden. Aside from the first 40 minutes after lunch, we have not allowed NZ to get away. That could prove to be crucial -- all you need for a mini-collapse is two wickets. If that happens tomorrow morning, so be it. But at least they won't have a big score if and when that mini-collapse happens.

10:52 p.m. They just showed Asif's pitch map. Ridiculous stuff. It's just one giant blob, back of a length, six inches outside off.

10:50 p.m. No one gets more collective anguished cries of "Oyeeee, yaaarr!" than Asif. No one.

10:47 p.m. Waisay, if you take out Martin Crowe's incredibly high levels of bias, he's a brilliant commentator. He clearly knows the technical aspects of batting very well, and he's a very astute observer of the game.

10:46 p.m. Quiet enough from Asif. 205-4.

10:42 p.m. Asif replacing Gullee. So I guess we have our answer then.

10:41 p.m. Great bowling from Ajmal. I've said it before, but he really is a throwback in that his variations are very subtle and his use of them is very cerebral. On a first day wicket in NZ, you can't ask for too much more from your offie.

10:39 p.m. On the other hand, I agree with what they're saying, in that you don't want easy bowlers bowling first up to a guy who just came in (Elliot). It's a tough one, to be sure.

10:37 p.m. The commentators are pulling for Aamer to be brought into the attack. Well, it's a dicey one, isn't it? With 15 overs left for the new ball...I mean, I'd rather have Asif and Aamer take the new ball. With that in mind, neither of them can possibly bowl before then (or maybe a couple each to warm up). But that leaves too much for Gullee to do from one end, since he's already into his fifth over of this spell, and would need to bowl seven more to get to the new ball. Maybe Malik or Faady for a few?

10:31 p.m Gullee's over ends at 197-4. The game's very much in the balance here. Anything in the 270-6 range at the end of the day, I'll take.

10:29 p.m. That's terrible fielding. Gullee bowled a good, not great, yorker, Elliot squeezed it to mid on and set off, and a clean pick up and throw would've had him struggling. Didn't even gather properly, Malik.

10:27 p.m. Elliot in, and he'll be facing Gullee now after Fulton took a single.

10:26 p.m. And we're back! Apparently Ajmal just got Taylor short of his hundred, which is a bargain I'll take any day. If I have to sacrifice 25 minutes of viewing for the betterment of the country, I'll do it.

10:22 p.m. ...

10:15 p.m. I don't know what's going on. It just isn't loading. Sigh.

10:06 p.m. Sorry guys, my feed is acting weird. Give me a few.

10:04 p.m. Not much swing to start off, but as Waqar says, that may have something to do with the direction of the wind. Very insightful, Waqar is. I mean his English is pitiful (though improving) but at least he says interesting things. And now that Nasim Ashraf is no longer around, can someone explain to me why he isn't our bowling coach again?

10:02 p.m. A single straight away gets Fulton on strike. Come on Gullee.

10:01 p.m. Gullee will begin the evening session, suggesting that our camp expects some reverse here. Come on, Gullee. Come on.

9:59 p.m. And we're back.

9:41 p.m. And a pretty uneventful over, that. NZ go to tea at 171-3, bossing the session (96 runs for just one wicket). I will be back in twenty minutes. See you then.

9:37 p.m. Man, Gullee has been REALLY unlucky today. The figures will tell you that he's been the worst of our bowlers today. Well, this is why I don't trust stats. He's beaten the bat so many times, and gotten so many edges to third man, that it's not funny. Anyway, NZ on to 169-3. Inching ahead, NZ. Last over before tea to be bowled by Aamer.

9:36 p.m. Fulton looks all over the place facing up to our quicks. How he's survived so far is completely beyond me.

9:33 p.m. Give Taylor credit. He's looked scratchy at times, but he's played well, especially after lunch. He's moved on to 70-odd here.

9:30 p.m. Oyyee. Fulton leaves one right outside off. It's one of those "that's either a brilliant leave or an idiotic leave, I have no idea" leaves. He inside edges on to get off strike next ball. Lucky bastard.

9:30 p.m. After a long time, Aamer will get a go at Fulton here. Come on Aamer. Rip him out, right here.

9:28 p.m. After a couple of innocuous deliveries outside off, Gullee bowls an in-swinging yorker. Almost had him.

9:26 p.m. Some shape away here for Gullee. Reverse perhaps?

9:25 p.m. A single, and so we have newbie facing Gullee. Three slips and a gully.

9:23 p.m. And Taylor gets a single off the last ball. Bloody hell, newbie hasn't faced up in about two overs. Ajmal (15 overs for 31) gives way to Gullee. Let's see what happens here, with about fifteen minutes to go before tea.

9:21 p.m. Goddamnitt. Edge, four to third man. Taylor's had about five of those.

9:18 p.m. Ah, come on Ajmal. A half-volley outside off gives Taylor three. That's a bad thing because (a) it's three runs, and (b) it means that he gets the strike to Aamer at the other end if there's a couple dot balls. And there are. Need the newbie facing as much as possible.

9:15 p.m. Just brilliant quick bowling from Aamer here. He has Fulton pinned on the crease here. Anyway, it's the end of the over, and NZ remain on 145-3.

9:14 p.m. Aamer mixing up the bouncers and yorkers to good effect here. What a guy.

9:11 p.m. Ajmal has bowled really well after lunch, for little reward. He's kept it exactly where we need it. I normally prefer leg-spinners to off-spinners in test teams, all else being equal, because they're more likely to get you wickets, but I have to say that I'm thrilled Kaneria is not playing. He would have leaked runs like crazy and put inordinate amounts of pressure on our three quicks. This way, at least Ajmal has one end bottled up. Good on him.

9:09 p.m. Ajmal to the newbie. Let's get another quick one here, kids. Come on.

9:08 p.m. Good three innings from Guptill there. Worked out to about an average of 22 or 23. Well done.

9:08 p.m. Fulton in.

9:06 p.m. Gone! Aamer gets a breakthrough! What a champion. Another quick bouncer, this one to Guptill, he goes for it, it goes straight up, and Fawad takes an excellent catch running back from square leg. No way that would've gone to fine-leg; Faady had to go for it. Brilliant all-round cricket from our youngsters. 144-3, and it's suddenly an even contest against. Aamer, you fucking beauty.

9:05 p.m. Wow, this Taylor chap is a bad player of short bowling. Aamer drops it in short, and he literally turns his back to it, so that it hits the back of the helmet and goes for four leg-byes.

9:03 p.m. After another quietish over from Ajmal, Aamer replaces Asif. Come on, Aamer. Come on. Get us a wicket here.

9:00 p.m. Well, if nothing else, at least we've slowed them down in the last half hour or so. I know, I'm clutching at straws here, but what do you want me to say?

8:56 p.m. 135-2. A wicket or two before tea, thanks.

8:55 p.m. A really tight period of pressure broken by Ajmal drifting down the leg side, and Taylor getting a tickle to fine-leg for four. You'd think fine leg would be finer for an off-spinner, but maybe Yousuf thinks it's Kaneria bowling.

8:53 p.m. Beautiful bowling from Asif. Every single delivery in that over was testing, even for someone past his half-century. Anyway, maiden over.

8:50 p.m. Asif continuing from the other end. He's been keeping it in the channel, but what's the point if the umps aren't giving it when it's out?

8:48 p.m. Well, at least Ajmal is keeping it tight.

8:43 p.m. And that sweet drive from Guptill off Asif brings up the hundred partnership. These commentators and Billy Doctrove's face are now really getting to me. Doctrove, after Darrell Hair, has fucked us more than any other umpire ever. And really, what's the point of this referral system is the final decision is going to rest with the umpire who fucked up in the first place? I'm quite pissed right now.

8:39 p.m. A tight over from Ajmal, but not threatening in the least. Maiden over. Meanwhile, Smith and Crowe are really laying into Yousuf's captaincy here.

8:36 p.m. Man, these commentators -- Crowe and Smith -- are annoying. That was out. You're both stupid. Anyway, after all that, it's 125-2.

8:33 p.m. Some drama here. Asif gets Taylor LBW, but it's not given. Asif and Yousuf ask for it to be referred to the third umpire. It's clearly out. I mean, it's clearly out. It's hit in front, it's hitting the stumps, it's hit pad first, and it's out. The NZ commentators, biased as they are, think it's not out. To that I say: you're both idiots. To be joined by Billy Doctrove in idiotville.

8:28 p.m. My stream is acting funny. Please stand by.

8:24 p.m. Asif replacing Gullee.

8:23 p.m. Tick, tock, tick, tock. This is like the middle overs of an ODI, with us not looking threatening AT ALL, and NZ just getting runs easily without too much bother. To be fair, the ball's not new any longer, and the lush outfield would suggest that we're going to have trouble getting reverse swing, so it will be hard work getting wickets. But all that means is that the earlier drops look even more egregious now.

8:20 p.m. 117-2 then. This is where an Afridi type would work wonders. Think about it: is he really going to score fewer runs than Imran Farhat? And he's definitely going to take more catches. Why the hell not, eh?

8:18 p.m. And now Taylor gets his fifty, working Gullee behind point. Pakistan really leaking runs now. We look positively insipid right now.

8:16 p.m. We suck. We're a terrible team. I hate cricket. I wish I had Australian parents, who gave birth to me in Barcelona but then emigrated to Brazil. I'd never support a crap team again.

8:14 p.m. Rubbish field from Yousuf, just giving NZ a single down to long on.

8:13 p.m. Ajmal to carry on, with NZ suddenly looking very solid at 111-2.

8:12 p.m. Bang! Rubbish from Gullee. Short, wide, four. NZ have scored 36 runs in 32 minutes after lunch.

8:10 p.m. Arrgghh! Gullee switches to over the wicket, gets an edge, but it doesn't carry at all, and goes past third slip for four. Our bowlers have definitely been unlucky today. A couple of edges not carrying or going wide, a couple catches going down.

8:09 p.m. Uhhh, never mind then. Taylor pushes Gullee for four through the covers, nice and crisp. Wasn't even that wide. Nice shot. NZ's hundred up.

8:08 p.m. Taylor is doing all sorts of stupid things against Gullee bowling round the wicket, but without a leg slip and a short leg, it may not matter. Gullee's definitely gotten to him though. No doubt about it, he's in his head.

8:07 p.m. And a maiden from Ajmal.

8:04 p.m. If I ever face a SMS/cell-phone stalker, I know to go to Zong. It's really crazy how three out of every four ads on Pakistan channels are for cellular networks. Anyway, Ajmal to continue.

8:03 p.m. Streaky, streaky. Another quick bouncer from round the wicket, Taylor goes after it, and flies off the edge to fine leg for four. He had no idea about that. Come on, Yousuf. Put in a short leg.

8:02 p.m. Yeah, if there was a short leg, that would've been out. Well done, Yousuf. Well done.

8:01 p.m. Gul's figures are 8.3-7-3-0. Crazy. He's now switching to round the wicket to the right-hander, an interesting move to say the least. I'd like to see a short leg in place, if that's the angle he's going to bowl.

7:58 p.m. And now Guptill gets into the act, driving Ajmal handsomely for four. Reaches his fifty in his third innings today. Kudos. He can send his check to Really Stupid Fucking Imran c/o Mohammad Ilyas, PCB Headquarters, Lahore.

7:57 p.m. Waqar just said we haven't yet seen the doosra from Umar Gul. We probably won't all day, Wicky.

7:55 p.m. Smack. Taylor launches Ajmal over cow-corner for six. Yousuf, being the defensive captain that he is, immediately sends a guy out there. Hey, Yousuf! It's the first day of a test, and they're 85-2. You don't need someone to stop the boundaries of slogs. Idiot.

7:54 p.m. Four leg byes from that Gullee over. I guess technically that counts as another maiden for him. I think he's given one run off the bat the whole day, if I'm not mistaken. His figures must be ridiculous right now.

7:52 p.m. Funny old pitch this, with some zipping through and some staying low and reaching Akmal on the second bounce. That last one hit him square in the mouth.

7:49 p.m. And Ajmal finishes up a maiden of his own. NZ remain on 75-2.

7:48 p.m. Man, if I'm guaranteed that happy a life, I'm definitely getting a Telenor connection. Anyway, Ajmal to continue from the other end.

7:47 p.m. Another maiden from Gullee, keeping it really tight, as he has done the whole day.

7:44 p.m. Oooh, Guptill goes fishing there. Man, it'd be nice to get a quick wicket here, straight after lunch. Come on guys.

7:43 p.m. Gullee to start the afternoon session, bowling to Guptill.

7:42 p.m. And we're back.

7:02 p.m. And that's lunch. NZ end up at 75-2 in 28 overs. The first hour was ours, the second hour was theirs. On this pitch, and given our batting, I think honors are even at this point -- 300 is probably a par score given the strength of the teams, and they look good for that at this point. I will see you in about 40 minutes.

7:01 p.m. For some bizarre reason, Yousuf has three fielders on the legside boundary in the over before lunch. As McMillan says, "as a batter, you love that". They're just working Ajmal so easily.

6:57 p.m. Goddamnitt. Another four for Taylor, slashing Asif behind point. I'm pissed off now. They should have been 55-3 at lunch, they're going to end up 80-2.

6:55 p.m. Ajmal finishes another over, without looking really threatening. These two have basically settled now. We were all over them until about 20 minutes after the drinks break. God, those two dropped catches hurt.

6:52 p.m. Rubbish from Asif. Short, but not quick, it got to Guptill's waist, and he smacked it to midwicket for four. All things considered, Asif has probably been the weakest of our seam up bowlers this morning. He's bowled really well for the most part, but the other two have bowled better. 67-2.

6:50 p.m. Leo's about to have his brains plastered on the wall of the elevator.

6:48 p.m. A tight maiden to start. Nice start, Ajmal.

6:46 p.m. The downside, as always, of a spinner coming on: having to hear Kamran's inane chatter.

6:45 p.m. And there you go. Ajmal into the attack.

6:44 p.m. You're right, McMillan, where's Ajmal? I'd like to see get a couple overs here. NZ, by the way, have moved on to 62-2.

6:41 p.m. Taylor finally gets some room, and slashes Asif behind point for four. He's not getting another wide one, that I can promise you.

6:40 p.m. Asif replacing the economical Gullee.

6:40 p.m. UFone! Tum hee to ho!

6:38 p.m. Taylor, by the way, hasn't done shit. As Ian Smith says, he's made six runs in over 70 minutes. Guptill's doing his bit, though, driving Aamer for four through the offside twice in this over. He has 40 out of NZ's total of 56.

6:35 p.m. Gullee continues to keep it tight. NZ move on 48-2 in 21 overs. The strike rate for this partnership is less than 25.

6:33 p.m. I just...I don't know what to say about our fielding. I mean, is there anything to say that hasn't been said? Let's just move on. LBWs and bowleds, people. Come on.

6:30 p.m. Hahahahahahahahaha. Another dropped catch. It's Guptill again, but for a change, Gullee drops one. Guptill hooked Aamer, who surprised him with a bouncer, it flew to fine leg, and it went straight through Gullee's hands for six. Well, there you go. This is now Guptill's third innings.

6:28 p.m. For the record, Matt Damon is about to end Jack Nicholson.

6:26 p.m. Things really quietening down here. Gullee has given one run in five overs, and NZ have scored four runs in five overs since the break. Guptill probably looks the more solid of the batsmen, but remember, he was the one that was dropped, so it's probably even between the two.

6:23 p.m. Hahah this is how you know you're in NZ. You know how when a batsman drives/pushes a bowler back, and it goes straight to the bowler, and he tries to do the whole "intimidation/throwing it back at the batsman/give him the stare" thing? And you know how the crowd ALWAYS goes "oooooohhh"? Well, all that just happened, except the crowd didn't react one bit. I think they're asleep, dreaming about sheep.

6:19 p.m. As soon as I say that, Taylor drives Aamer down the ground for four. That's ok. A hint of movement either way, and he'd be gone playing that shot (in and he's LBW, out and he's caught behind...as long as it doesn't go to Really Fucking Stupid Imran).

6:18 p.m. NZ haven't scored a run since drinks. Just great tight bowling here. I wish our fielders actually backed them up. Sigh.

6:16 p.m. Give our bowlers credit. They could have easily gotten too excited from the conditions. Instead, they have stuck to the basics and just bowled it there and thereabouts. Gullee, especially, is liable to go a little crazy on pitches like this, but for the most part, he's done his job.

6:13 p.m. I'm still thinking about that dropped catch. They have Fulton (?!), Elliot and McCullum to come. 37-3 before lunch? Can you imagine? With Aamer, Gullee and Asif with their tails up? Fuck me.

6:11 p.m. For the record, the batsman dropped was Guptill on 26. I still don't believe that happened. That went straight to him, at a comfortable height, around his shoulders. Just unbelievable. God, I hate Farhat so much.

6:08 p.m. Dropped! I fucking knew it. Really Fucking Stupid Imran drops an absolute sitter. Gullee banged it in outside off, gets an edge from a hanging bat, and Really Fucking Stupid Imran does what he does best -- look really fucking stupid. WHO said this guy could field at first slip? Man, I miss Younis. Can you imagine 37-3? Ugh. Fuck Farhat, and fuck Mohammad Ilyas.

6:07 p.m. Gullee continuing, and keeping it tight. To be fair, both Taylor and Ross have looked pretty solid. I mean, they've obviously played and missed -- that's going to happen on this pitch against this attack -- but overall, they've looked good.

6:03 p.m. It's such a luxury, isn't it, having a guy bowl the new ball KNOWING that he's not going to give anything away? That the batsmen will have to work for every single run? Oh, Asif. You hurt me, but I still love you. Anyway, it's drinks. NZ 37-2. I

5:58 p.m. Uh oh. Martin Sheen is about to be thrown off the top of a building.

5:54 p.m. Shot. After a seriously testing over, Guptill drives Asif down the ground for four. Shot of the day so far. 36-2 after 12.

5:51 p.m. Oye! Asif first in, and then out. (No dirty jokes please). These guys have no idea. None whatsoever.

5:48 p.m. Gullee not getting too much swing or anything, relying more on hitting the deck. A nice little clip there from before the start of play, as Umar Akmal was given his test cap in a nice little ceremony. Let's hope he doesn't grow up to be as dickish as his older brother.

5:46 p.m. Gullee replaces Aamer. Starts with a bouncer first up.

5:45 p.m. I should probably tell you the score. It's 31-2. NZ have slowed to a crawl here, after that flurry to start.

5:44 p.m. Asif has a pitiful record of 52 wickets. Shameful. If he hadn't done all his charsee-ness, and if we actually played test cricket like a normal team, he'd have gotten 200 wickets by now. No question in my mind.

5:41 p.m. Hawk-eye says it was going over. Ok, fine. I retract my last entry. But I really don't think our team even knows the referral system has gone into effect. Remember, we're still the same team that, on our last tour to NZ, didn't know that we could take the extra half hour on the fourth day in a chase. The problem? Rain was forecast for the entire fifth day. That we eventually got there was no excuse. Indeed, I distinctly recall Inzi saying he didn't know the rules on taking extra time. Pakistan: we're talented idiots.

5:39 p.m. Referral! Referral! What the fuck? Ross Taylor leaves a ball, and Aamer hits him PLUMB in front. Billy Doctrove says no, but you have to refer that shit. Come on Yousuf.

5:37 p.m. Oye Khatmal, go to sleep.

5:35 p.m. Asif, too, has settled into a rhythm here. I think NZ will be very happy if they get to lunch just two or three down.

5:32 p.m. I've got The Departed on the TV in the background. I've never quite figured out who gives the best performance in that film: Leo, Damon, Wahlberg or Baldwin. I lean towards Leo and Wahlberg but I can't decide between those two.

5:32 p.m. Aamer making NZ look mighty silly here.

5:30 p.m. Honestly, this start doesn't surprise me one bit. Our bowling is frigging awesome. I mean, what else is there to say? You've got Aamer from one end, bowling above 140km/h, swinging it both ways with bounce. And at the other, we've got a guy who could've been this half-decade's best seam bowler if it weren't for his, uh, indiscretions. Gullie for once will be freed from the "I have to carry a test bowling line up with a new ball" role that he is uncomfortable in, and Ajmal will give his old-school off-spin. No weaknesses.

5:28 p.m. Yousuf doing his best Steve Waugh impression here, giving the new batsman Ross Taylor four slips and a gully. Anyway, that's the end of the over, and NZ stay at 27-2.

5:27 p.m. Badal do zamaana!

5:24 p.m. Gone! After a close LBW shout (it probably pitched outside leg), Asif just gets one to nibble in, and Flynn gets an inside edge to Akmal. He goes for 8, and NZ are 27-2. What a guy Asif is.

5:22 p.m. Arrrggh. Aamer spoils a good over by drifting down and gifting Flynn four to fine leg. We're bowling Sami overs here (5 good/great balls, and one shite). That needs to change. 26-1.

5:20 p.m. Really Fucking Stupid Imran is at first slip. I never thought I'd say this, but: I really hope an edge goes to Kamran Akmal.

5:18 p.m. After beating Guptill all ends up, Asif gets him to nick it down to third man for four more. NZ haven't scored a single run in front of square, I don't think. Or maybe they have a couple singles. But they don't look convincing, that's for sure. 22-1 after four.

5:14 p.m. Oyyyeeee. Asif gets Guptill's edge, but it doesn't carry. Our bowling is excellent. The question, as always, will be: can our batting hold up? Read Kamran Abbasi's latest column, and he says no. I'm not that pessimistic actually. I think both Fawad and Umar can really play. Yousuf will respond will to being captain. If Khurram can hold up one end at the top, I think we'll be ok. I'm obviously completely discounting Judas and Really Fucking Stupid Imran's ability to do anything.

5:13 p.m. Aamer keeping it nice and full here. He'll go for runs -- as he just did, being squeezed through the cordon for four -- but on the whole, I'd much rather have him err on the fuller side.

5:10 p.m. The great thing about test cricket is that I don't feel like I have to write constant updates. I can drift in and out, and make random observations about cricket in general. I love test cricket man. I'm not ashamed to say it.

5:09 p.m. Make that 12-1, with Asif drifting down the legside and Guptill flicking him for four.

5:09 p.m. And we're back, with NZ 8-1.

5:05 p.m. Asif to open the attack from the other end. If you were going to pick one country for Asif to bowl in, it's New Zealand, what with his teasing line and length and swing. Anyway, I'm having some problems with my feed so give me a few.

5:04 p.m. After going for a boundary, Aamer beats Flynn all ends up. Pace, swing, bounce here. "What an opening over this has been," says Craig McMillan. Indeed, 4-1 after one over.

5:02 p.m. Daniel Flynn in. And he gets a swinging full ball first up too. What a start. I'm giddy. What a prospect this kid is.

5:00 p.m. We have no time for polite intros here! Aamer knocks over some dude called McIntosh with an inswinging yorker first up! What a start! So after Wasim, Waqar, Aaqib, Shoaib, Zahid, and even fucking Sami, yet another young Pakistani quick looks to wreak havoc against New Zealand.

Hello and welcome to Rs.5's coverage of the first day's play of the first test between Pakistan and New Zealand. As always, all times are local (i.e. Chicago).