Thoughts On The NBA (Primarily The Trades)

Many of you (okay, probably two) will be wondering why I haven't posted anything substantial on basketball for a while. After all, I deem it important enough to be one of our categories over there in our little categories section. Plus those readers who happen to know me personally know that I'm a huge fan. So what happened? Well, a couple of things. First, there's just been way too much stuff to write about in the last few months. With the political turmoil in Pakistan and election season in the U.S., not to mention my real work (which for now constitutes working on my MA; I'll talk about the project here on Rs. 5 when it's done in a month or so), I simply haven't had the time.

For another thing, I'm simply down on the NBA right now. A lot of things have really frustrated me over the last few months. Consider the playoffs in the last two seasons. In 2006, the refs almost cost Phoenix the series against the Lakers when they made those atrocious non-calls in game 4 (when Kobe hit the game winner after Nash "lost" the ball). They then handed Miami the championship, repeatedly bailing Wade out against Dallas, sending him to the line when defenders had the temerity to breathe on him. It wasn't just the fact that the refs were deciding the game instead of the players, but that the refs were rewarding a certain style of play: put your head down, drive into the lane, flail your arms, and hope for a whistle. Just like evolutionary biology contorts itself to keep ugly people around, so too NBA refs were somehow making sure that ugly basketball lived on: if refs rewarded a certain style of play, you can be sure as hell that other teams would emulate it, thus reducing the aesthetic quality of the game.

[Just a quick interruption: conventional wisdom states that in team sports, coaches/managers/captains control the style of play. Get a different manager/coach/captain, the thinking goes, and your style will change. This is true, but only to a limited extent, and it masks a greater truth - that the greatest determinants of style in any team sport are referees. I guarantee that if refs in football start yellow-carding dives regularly and unequivocally, you'll see diving out of the game in a matter of months. Officials and referees are the most powerful people on the field/court/pitch insofar as the quality and content of the product concerned.]

Anyway, as I was saying, the 2006 playoffs were sort of a disappointment. But they were nothing compared to last year's Phoenix-Spurs series. San Antonio is one of those rare teams that manages to commit more infractions than any other team, and yet is held up as the standard, the beacon of light in a world of darkness, the Team That Everyone Respects. I never understood it. They have a guy who flops at least four times a game (Ginobili). They have a guy who is arguably the dirtiest player in the NBA and risks injuring people every time he guards them (Bowen). They have a guy who mopes and makes that puppy dog face every time a call goes against him, even though he's a supposed MVP and the greatest power forward of all time (Duncan). Their coach is a goddamn Cold Warrior. And their point guard married Eva Longoria. Can anyone please explain to me why this team has any fans? And speaking of fans, you know what else is really annoying? When in their home games, Spurs' fans start their stupid "Go, Spurs, go!" chant. Arrrghh! They sound like eleven year-olds at a birthday party playing musical chairs. I just want to strangle them.

So this team ends up beating the most aesthetically pleasing group in the NBA, the Suns. And they don't beat them because they're better, but because in David Stern's twisted logic, rules like "You can't leave the bench in case of a fight" have to be strictly adhered to, but rules like "You can't knee the opposing team's point guard and league MVP in the balls" and "You can't kick a guy in the heel when he's driving in for a dunk" are to be applied somewhat less stringently. Anyway, once the refs and David Stern handed the Spurs that series, I was beyond livid. Add that to the fact that Cleveland (!) got to the Finals beating a grand total of one good team (and even that team didn't play hard for three of the six games), and you can see why I was disheartened.

This year has throw up its own slew of problems. Consider the disparity between the conferences right now. As of today, February 15, Denver is out of the playoffs. A team with two all-stars and one which really should have had three (Camby's having another monster year), with a great supporting cast and a decent coach, is out of the playoffs. Not because they're underachieving, or not playing hard, but simply because right now, they're eight teams in the West better than them. They're 32-20! 32-20! 12 games above .500! Over in the East, Philly (Philly!) is in the eighth spot, with a...(wait for it)...23-30 record (I wonder how AI would feel about his new and improved team sitting home in April while his former team, led by superstars like Igoudala, Andre Miller, and Dalembert get into the playoffs). The disparity in their records doesn't even reveal the true gulf in quality, because Denver plays most of its games in the West and Philly most of theirs in the East. In other words, 32-20 in the West would probably be 40-12 in the East. That, for the record, would be 2nd place right now. And can anyone dispute that if Denver was in the East, as it is presently constitued, it would be behind Boston but ahead of everyone else? Anyone?

What this means is that out of Phoenix, New Orleans, San Antonio, Dallas, the Lakers, Utah, Golden State, Houston, and Denver, five won't make the second round. Five of those teams will not make the second round. I'm sorry I keep repeating myself, but can you honestly blame me? I would venture to suggest that each of those five teams could be anywhere between best in the East to third in the East, but no lower. The difference in quality is just ridiculous.


Of course, the solution to this would be easy: just scrap the entire notion of conferences. Seed the best sixteen teams in the NBA by record first, head-to-head second, plus/minus differential third. If 12-13 Western teams make it, so be it. It would make for the most satisfying result anyway. That fact, by the way, guarantees that the NBA will never do it. Any time they can actually do something smart for the fans, you can be sure they won't bother trying. (Sometimes it's worse than not trying - sometimes the NBA actively discourages other people from trying. Witness their refusal to let Dwight Howard raise the rim to 12 feet for the dunk contest this Saturday. Why, you ask? Because the idea "clashes with their intent to apply as many standard NBA rules to All-Star Weekend contests as possible." Because, you know, nothing screams "standard NBA rules" quite like All-Star weekend).

Anyway, that's enough bitching for me. Here are my thoughts on the various trades and non-trades.

Gasol to the Lakers
For once, I actually agreed with Greg Popovich. Here's what he told SI after the trade: "What they did in Memphis is beyond comprehension. There should be a trade committee that can scratch all trades that make no sense. I just wish I had been on a trade committee that oversees NBA trades. I would have voted no to the LA trade." This was truly highway robbery. The Lakers got exactly the type of guy they wanted and gave up a bunch of liabilities in the process (really, you should try and watch Kwame catch the ball; it's a truly painful experience). Now they pair a 27 year-old Gasol with a 20 year-old Bynum with a Kobe in his prime with a young and hungry supporting cast (Farmar, Turiaf, Vujacic, Walton) with just the right amount of smart, heady veterans sprinkled around (Fisher, Odom). That's a championship caliber team. Only, they're not going to win it this year. Two reasons:

One, teams that pull a major trade in the middle of the season almost never win anything substantial the same year. The lack of familiarity dooms almost all of them. The only exception to this rule in the last ten years has been Rasheed to Detroit in '04. The only other exception I can think of off the top of my head is Clyde to Houston back in '95. That's it. You pull a monster trade, you do it in the off-season, so your team and coach can have a training camp together and build from there. This is especially true of a team with a complicated offense like the triangle.

Two, the Lakers need to pull another trade, and here's why. Bynum plays center. Gasol (a weak defender) plays power forward. And Odom will now shift to the 3. Now, do you really think Odom can guard small forwards? You think he's quick enough to stay in front of Carmelo? How about Ginobili? Josh Howard? Grant Hill? McGrady? You think Odom can guard these guys? I don't. I also don't think Gasol can guard the Duncans, Boozers, and Nowitzkis of the West. What this means is that the Lakers will have two weak links on the defensive end in the playoffs, and that usually spells doom (you're allowed one if you want to win a ring, but two is pushing it).

So in the off-season, after they're bounced in the second round, the Lakers need to trade Odom for a young athletic three who's happy playing defense (Igoudala would be nice, but they can't get him, not for Odom). And then their team will be complete, and they'll be favorites next year. But not this year. Not yet, Laker fans. Not just yet.

Shaq to Phoenix
Dear Lord, what a disaster this will turn out to be. What's been truly funny to me is the reaction to the trade. First, everyone came out and said they hated it. Then, following Rule Number 178627 of Punditocracy (Thou Shalt Stake Out A Position Completely Contrary To What Logic Dictates If It Means That Thou Standst Alone), everyone shifted their opinion, saying "hey, maybe it could work after all!". Of course, all the pundits made the exact same move at the same time, thus defeating the purpose of the original move.

This will be terrible. Mark my words, this will turn out to be unmitigated disaster. First, Shaq will clog up all the space in the middle. The reason the Suns are so devastating on offense is that they can put three three-point shooters on the perimeter, and let Nash and Amare work the pick-and-roll in the middle of the floor. The opposing team has to decide if it wants to give up a thunderous Amare dunk, a short jumper by Nash, or an open three. That option is now gone. Second, Shaq is a terrible defender. If Phoenix thinks he's going to help their defense, they're in for a rude shock, because he's going to get beat by any center who can move his feet. Third, he's a terrible rebounder. You have to be able to jump to get rebounds, and Shaq, sadly, can no longer jump. Fourth, for all the talk about chemistry, wait until Shaq gets grumpy at not getting a touch for three or four posessions. This is still an immensly proud man, and he's not going to be happy with merely starting the break, as everyone seems to think he will be. Fifth, dude's going to be hurt all the time. The guy has played more than 67 games just once in the last seven seasons. Whatever you say about Marion, at least he showed up to play more than once a week.


I feel bad, primarily because I love Nash and I think he deserves a ring. But he's not getting it with this team. Not in a million years.

Kidd to Dallas?
Call me crazy, but I think a non-trade will work out best for the Mavs here. Really, what do you get with Kidd at this point? A 35 year-old dude who shoots his age, that's what (well, almost - his FG% is 36). He's not going to run and gun because that's not Dallas' style, and really, he's too old to stay in front of the Parkers and Iversons, who are the type of people he'll be asked to guard. So what exactly is the point? I have absolutely no idea why Dallas would pull this trade, especially given all they're giving up. It's just not worth it.

I'm convinced that Dallas, if it doesn't pull this trade, will become along with San Antonio and Utah the favorites in the West. My reasoning, outlined earlier, is simple: the playoffs favor teams that know and trust each other. Continuity is good, not bad. When you have a core that's been together a while, and has played heated 7-game series in raucous atmospheres, and has won and lost together, then you stand a chance. If Dallas stands pat, I say they become the favorites, notwithstanding the damage to their chemistry this non-trade would have wrought. I mean, shouldn't Devin Harris' feelings be considered in our calculations?


Webber to Golden State, Damon Stoudamire to San Antonio, and Korver to Utah
Inconsequential and stupid, realtively inconsequential and not bad, and very smart and unheralded, respectively.

That's it for me. Enjoy the weekend, guys.

Discrediting the Elections

Today, Human Rights watch issued a news release, stating that they had obtained an audio recording of Pakistan's Attorney General Malik Qayyum having a private conversation with someone about how the upcoming parliamentary elections would be “massively rigged". The recording can be listened (or downloaded) here.





An English translation of the recording, which is in Urdu and Punjabi, was also provided by HRW:

"Leave Nawaz Sharif (PAUSE).... I think Nawaz Sharif will not take part in the election (PAUSE).... If he does take part, he will be in trouble. If Benazir takes part she too will be in trouble (PAUSE).... They will massively rig to get their own people to win. If you can get a ticket from these guys, take it (PAUSE).... If Nawaz Sharif does not return himself, then Nawaz Sharif has some advantage. If he come himself, even if after the elections rather than before (PAUSE). Yes."

Now all this is fine, well done, whistle blown. But given that the audio recording clearly predates the return of Nawaz and the assassination of Benazir, one wonders what exactly the person who recorded the tape has been doing for the last 3 months. Maybe he was busy, or just never got around to sending out the tape, or both.

Or maybe the objective was simply to trash the credibility of the election itself, 3 days before they're due to take place. A nice hatchet job,very constructive, very Pakistani.

Goddamn that fat fool Qayyum, the 'riggers', and the jackass who submitted the recording.

This, My Friends, Is What You Call "Come From Behind"

No, this isn't a dirty joke post. Check this graph out. The purple line represents the average of Hillary Clinton's polling numbers (all the purple dots are individual polls). The orange line represents the average of Barack Obama's polling numbers (all the orange dots are individual polls).

The brown line, if you have weak eyesight, can be coded as "Delusional" or, if you prefer, Al Gore's polling numbers. I love how Gore polled higher than Edwards for large parts of the race despite not actually being in it.

State-by-state polls here. Remember, Hillary needs to win each of Texas, Ohio, and Pennsylvania by significant margins to stay in the race. Either that, or her team needs to pull some shenanigans.

Dodgy Dealings, Dodgier Reporting

The Associated Press of Pakistan reports that a group of Canadian and American investors met with the caretaker Prime Minister and presented a proposal to invest 200 Billion U.S. Dollars. Yes, that's right, 200 BILLION Dollars! The report, however, conspicuously failed to divulge the identity of these investors. The report though did state that the CEO of another Canadian company Cathay Oil and Gas made a presentation on their soon to be launched program.

The figure quoted by the APP report had me intrigued so I decided to do some basic online digging. I wiki'd Cathay Oil and Gas but there was no entry. I then Googled the company in order to locate the official company website, but none was to be found. The Google results were however quite surprising. All, bar one, references to the company were from Pakistani sources detailing Pakistani deals. The only exception this report of a Letter of Intent signed by Cathay for a proposed $ 600 Million Joint Venture in China. The Pakistani websites that mention Cathay includes the official website of President Musharraf.

Now I'm no expert on Oil and Gas exploration, and I presume its a cloak and dagger world, but shouldn't a company that has been awarded exclusive rights over exploring coal reserves in Sindh, (requiring a $250 Million initial investment and total capital outlay expected at $5 Billion), at least have a website, or, barring that, some evidence of prior experience? Ok, so maybe it's an an up and coming company. But should the government really place a large scale project under its care? Especially when Hydrocarbon Online reports that Cathay will begin work after it receives funding, meaning thereby that Cathay has no money of its own nor has had it lined up any other investors! Best of all, as reported here, Cathay's email address is: cathayexploration@hotmail.com . That's right, a company with exclusive exploration rights in Pakistan, reportedly investing billions of dollars has a hotmail ID. Even my law firm doesn't use Hotmail, as it doesn't provide adequate protection. Can someone please teach our government officials how to use the internet because I just have a feeling that a Canadian's laughed his way to the bank.

The failure of the government to name even a single renowned company as part of the foreign delegation leads me to believe that the Pakistani energy sector is not large enough to warrant a look by serious players. This exposes the government's bold statements about the 200 Billion Dollar investment in the sector and Pakistan's supposed energy self reliance as blatant lies. On the other hand, perhaps Billions will be invested but the choice of unheralded exploration and extraction companies means that someone in the government made a killing through the award of these contracts.

Perhaps the new kid on the print block, AAJ KAL, is getting set to carry an exposé on this topic! Perhaps Dawn News will have its heavily (fake) accented presenter wag an accusatory finger at the powers to be, (someone's been watching Jeremy Paxman) without launching into an innane monologue (someone should really watch more Jeremy Paxman). Perhaps GEO and AAJ will not get distracted by the 10.45 Kidco time check. Not a chance.

What we we get is this retarded investigative report from Business Recorder :

$250 million or $200 billion? Cathay Oil team calls on Sindh chief minister

KARACHI (February 12 2008): According to Associated Press of Pakistan (APP), a team of Cathay Oil Group of Canada and USA, led by Executive Chairman Robert Miller, called on caretaker Sindh Chief Minister former Justice Abdul Qadir Halepota at Chief Minister House here Monday.The team gave a detailed presentation about their dollar 250 million (however, the amount was $200billion in the APP report appeared in Business Recorder on Monday) power generation, coal mining and oil exploration project. Cathay Oil Company and Sindh Coal Authority had signed a MoU in January 2006 at Chief Minister House and the project was unnecessarily facing a delay.

Note to the Genius Sub Editors of Business Recorder: The APP report clearly states that their were two meetings held with the care taker Prime Minister and not the Chief Minister. One with a group of investors regarding the $200 Billion investment and one with a Cathay Oil delegation regarding their project. The President's own website reports in 2006 a figure of $200 Million, so I'm guessing the cost has now climbed to $250 Million. Interestingly the Sindh Budget only mentions an investment of $50 Million. As for the meeting with the Sindh Chief Ministeras per this report, this report, and this report that took place in 2006!

The Business Recorder instead of carrying this dumb piece should be asking the following questions: "Who were these secret investors?," "Is it ethical for a care-taker government to award multi-billion dollar contracts for exploration of vital energy resources?" "Why does a company capable of investing billions of dollars in the vital and highly competitive energy sector have a hotmail email address?" "And why does the Sindh Budget for 2007-2008 only mention a figure of $50 Million?"

Retarded Photo of the Day

This is Mehran Bank in Tehran. The photo may be dated, but the ATM is for real. The Iranian dude in the extra tight pants is also for real.

Stuff To Keep You Busy If You Aren't Already Busy

Links for today:

Struggling to think of ways to spend Rs. 600 million in five years on discretionary spending? Let Arbab Rahim and Ali Muhammad Maher give you some ideas.

Though exercise may make you feel good, and may make you healthier, there's no evidence it'll help you lose weight.

Aerosmith is in trouble, if this news report is any indication.

Why Hillary's still very much in it. [As an aside, can I say for the record that anyone who says Hillary is not very much in it probably does not have a triple digit IQ?]

India's having an arms fair with more than 400 companies, of which more than half are "global firms". I think it's about time our political and military elite forget about this whole "rivalry" thing with India. It can only be a rivalry if, um, you can actually compete.

If Bill Kristol predicts something, it most likely will not happen. This is why Barack Obama should be worried. Very worried.

Eugene Robinson urges Democrats to stop being so damn paranoid.

Ayotallah Khamenei expounds on washing machines, puberty, and shaking hands. I also love that the URL for his website is simply www.leader.ir. Now that's a badass address. Seriously. After discovering this, I fully expect him to have a brown leather wallet with "Bad Motherfucker" written on it.

Some really interesting survey data on Pakistan. What's key here is that they surveyed rural areas too, which a lot of these foreign polling agencies/think tanks very rarely do. Pretty much every number in there is key so I'm not going to bother trying to synopsize the piece; just go read it yourself.

Danish police arrest suspects in connection with a plot to kill the Muhammad-cartoonists.

Last but not least, 20 things everyone should know. Some useful stuff here, but really, who the hell doesn't know how to change a tire?

Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain, Political Scientist And IR Theorist

You've heard of Francis Fukuyama and Samuel Huntington. I now present to you Chaudhry Shujaat Hussain, mover and shaker extraordinaire.

Many theories of international relations have seen the light of day in the last decades. The 'End of History' thesis for one: It believed that with the success of Pax Americana and liberal capitalist democracy over other systems, the world was entering a 'golden age of peace and human happiness.' 9/11 destroyed this thesis and the 'Clash of Civilization' thesis of the past became popular. Here Islam and the West were portrayed as being engaged in a struggle that some even called World War 3. However, in the current situation this theory too has faded and in my opinion the world is locked in a 'conflict of fanaticism'.

Here's hoping I never have to compete with such eminent brilliance in the academic job market.

A Couple Of Technology Articles

I am about to go to bed, but I just wanted to quickly post these two hilarious stories. Well, one's hilarious and one's kind of scary, but scary can be funny too (at times).

The first one speaks for itself. Or rather the headline speaks for itself:

Half Of UK Men Would Swap Sex For 50 Inch TV

What I find funny is not the fact that a full 47% of British males will give up getting busy for six months for a goddamn electronic appliance, but that when asked, a quarter of respondents said they would give up smoking, and a quarter said they would give up chocolate.

Now let's be absolutely clear here. Essentially, these are the percentages of people willing to give up a particular thing for a 50 inch TV:
Give up sex: 50%
Give up smoking: 25%

Do you see what's going on here? By the transitivity of preferences, British people like smoking better than sex. Now, this could be because their cigarettes are God's gift to mankind (oh, how I miss you, Benson & Hedges). Or, alternatively, it could be because British people are so ugly, they actually prefer the post-sex act of lighting up to the act of sex itself. I'm leaning toward the latter explanation.

Anyway, the second story that caught my eye is this one on Facebook. This is some truly 1984 type shit. Apparently once you're on Facebook, you can never escape. They can pretty much keep your information forever, even if you deactivate your account. Check out the first few paragraphs of the article:

Some users have discovered that it is nearly impossible to remove themselves entirely from Facebook, setting off a fresh round of concern over the popular social network’s use of personal data.

While the Web site offers users the option to deactivate their accounts, Facebook servers keep copies of the information in those accounts indefinitely. Indeed, many users who have contacted Facebook to request that their accounts be deleted have not succeeded in erasing their records from the network.

“It’s like the Hotel California,” said Nipon Das, 34, a director at a biotechnology consulting firm in Manhattan, who tried unsuccessfully to delete his account this fall. “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

It took Mr. Das about two months and several e-mail exchanges with Facebook’s customer service representatives to erase most of his information from the site, which finally occurred after he sent an e-mail threatening legal action. But even after that, a reporter was able to find Mr. Das’s empty profile on Facebook and successfully sent him an e-mail message through the network.

In addition to my fear of endlessly wasting time, having awkward electronic interactions with people I haven't met in a long time, trying unsuccessfuly to compartmentalize my social life, and having future employers discover, uh, some things about me, I now have another reason to never join Facebook. To all those people, including my brother and my friends, who think there's something seriously wrong with me for not having a Facebook account: wait and see. This is going to be one of those rare occasions when, all said and done, I'm going to come out looking real smart. That's all I'm saying. Just wait and see. Facebook is evil, and all of you will find out the hard way.

Why Pakistan Cricket Has Led Me (And, Doubtless, Many Others) To Depression And Apathy

Most everyone has a standard "take-stock" list. You know what I'm talking about. In moments of reflection, you have a quick run-down list of things that are important to you, and you assign to each of them little plusses or minuses in your head, and then you realize that (a) you should be happier than you are, or (b) you should be more bummed-out than you are, or (c) your mood is about right given the circumstances of your life at present. My "take-stock" list, in no particular order, looks like this: the three F's (family, fiancee, friends); Pakistani politics; how I'm doing at grad school; Allen Iverson; Barca's fortunes; and the Pakistan cricket team. It's not a particularly long list, but then I can't imagine most people's is. What was strange about the last reflection period I had a couple of days ago, however, was the fact that I didn't even bother assigning a minus (and yes, it would be a big, fat minus) to our cricket team. I thought about it for a second, and then I realized I just didn't care. Flat out, I didn't give a damn.

Now...

If you're a relatively new reader, let me tell you something about myself. I have an almost photographic memory of cricket matches. Not just the ones involving Pakistan either. I've been following the game since I was 7, and I can rattle off memories, scorecards, renditions of particular innings, scandals, quotes, and everything else related to the game effortlessly. I'm the guy who as a 12 year-old, would wake up at 5 a.m. to listen to radio commentary of test matches (Pakistan's tour of Australia in 95-96, right after the Salim Malik affair). My mother throws away everything I own every time I leave home, but one thing she doesn't touch are all the issues of The Cricketer I stockpiled as a kid. I read them every time I go back. Let me repeat: I read cricket magazines that are more than a decade old every time I return home. They're not particularly good cricket magazines either (this is the Pakistan edition, after all).

I still remember where I was when Adam Bacher took that catch at deep-square to end one of the greatest Tendulkar innings you could ever hope to see (a hotel room in Bhurban on a family vacation). I still remember where I was when Saqlain was plugging away at Chennai, chipping away one wicket at a time (a friend's car, on the way home from school). I still remember where I was when I saw Younis Khan bat for the first time (Copper Kettle, of all places). I still remember where I was when Donald gave Atherton that vicious working over (in my lounge, laughing merrily). My point is this: I care about cricket. Just trust me on this one. I really, really care about cricket.

So it was quite jarring for me to realize that, for now, I don't care. Pakistan cricket has devolved (and that's being kind) to the point where our fortunes don't really concern me in any meaningful way. Sure, I'll read the reports on Cricinfo. I might respond to a couple of friends' emails the next time Pakistan play, and they want to discuss or bounce an idea off me. But that's it. That's the extent of my involvement.

How did we get here? What the hell happened? It wasn't that long ago, after all, that I was filled with giddy optimism. Before the summer of 2006, we had just won three hard fought series in a row against three really good sides (England and India at home, Sri Lanka away). We had a middle order to dream about (Inzi, Yousuf and Younis, all in the form of their lives). We had a leg-spinner who was consistently putting in match-winning performances against teams that play spin really well (Dani, more on him in a minute). We had a young, up-and-coming seamer who almost literally made me drool (Asif). We had a keeper who didn't drop anything, took some blinders, and in the crunch, had balls the size of watermelons (Akmal). We had a coach-captain relationship that was almost unheard of in Pakistan in terms of mutual respect and cooperation (Inzi and the late, great Bob). We had, for the first time in our history, a legitimate succession plan, with the ballsy Younis set to take over from the sedate Inzi at the time of the latter's choosing. In short, we had a future.

I'm not going to get into the results of the last eighteen months. Most everyone who reads this blog (or the cricket posts on it, anyway) is probably intimately aware of them already. What I want to focus on is the utter lack of hope that is pervasive right now. I mean, really: what do we have to look forward to? What's going to change? Can any reasonable, rational person look at the status quo, and say with a straight face "it's not that bad yaar, chill out"? Consider:

(1) Our captain is a complete retard. I don't just mean he's a bad on-the-field captain. I mean he's actually a complete retard. He makes terrible decisions on the ground, mangles bowling changes, is too defensive, doesn't put the right fielders in the right places, and generally looks out of his element. Let me also say to those people who say that captains are made, not born, and that he hasn't had time to grow into his role: you're wrong. The only things captains learn over time is man-management and how to talk to the media. The instinct for the game, the finger-on-the-pulse-of-the-game type shit, is either there or it isn't. And with this fool, it definitely isn't.

In addition, he has managed to piss off everyone from the selection committee to Afridi in his short time at the helm. Moreover, he's the type of guy who agrees to marry someone - without ever having met them - on the basis of some MIRC chats and a few online pictures and then is shocked - shocked! - that the woman turned out to, uh, be a touch less attractive than she would have you believe. Let me ask you this: if it's a World Cup final, or a tense fifth day against India or Australia, do you really want a guy who agreed to a telephone nikah in charge? Think about this for a second. Actually, scratch that. If you need to think about it for a second, you're the complete retard. And you can have Shoaib Malik as a friend.






















(2) Our bowlers are never fit. Forget about Shoaib for a second, because I've already wasted too much of my time talking about him. Think about Asif. And Gul. And before he started sucking, Rana. And it's never small little niggles with these guys either. They're out for months at a time. Wasim never got injured this frequently. Waqar had that one massive injury in the early 90s, and then never suffered a serious, debilitating injury the rest of his career. And they played a lot more than these jokers too: meaningless one-dayers in Toronto and Sharjah, county cricket for more than a decade, domestic cricket, you name it, they played it. These guys today complain about how they're treated by the board - they're treated like Louis the fucking Fourteenth compared to what the Ws went through.


What our health, or lack thereof, has meant is that time after time, opposition top orders get nicely settled in and don't have to worry - ever - about being 80-5 on an opening morning. This in turn puts a whole lot of pressure on...

(3) I would like to stipulate for the record that I remain an ardent Danish Kaneria supporter. The guy gets no support from our quicks. The guy has had, at the minimum, 30-40 wickets go down the drain because of Akmal in the last year and a half. The guy never gets the respect of the umpires (though this is partly his fault...if you appeal for everything, you're not going to get the ones that are out. He really needs to go to the Shane Warne School of Smart and Calculated Appealing).

Still, though, you have to wonder about this guy. I'm not talking about the bottom-line averages/strike-rate/wickets-per-match type stuff, which as I mentioned in the previous paragraph, excludes all the crap he has to go through. I'm talking about Danish Kaneria, the bowler. Intrinsically. Has this guy improved in the last three years? Again, I'm not talking about numbers or stats. I'm saying if you faced him in the nets in 2004, and you faced him in the nets today, would you find him any more difficult to play? Isn't it disturbing that what should be the prime of his career (he's 27), at an age when spinners really come into their own, the guy's simply not a better bowler than he was? His control isn't better. He doesn't have any new variations. He isn't a smarter bowler by any stretch of the imagination (witness the aforementioned over-appealing and the overuse of his googly). In short, he's the same dude he was three years ago. Doesn't that bother you? Doesn't that bother him? Again, I understand why he's pissed off with the world - by all accounts, a crappy captain, terrible fielding, atrocious keeping, and no support in the attack have conspired to make him a much poorer man financially - but shouldn't he be a more accomplished bowler by now?



















(4) This is going to be a really short bullet point. Our fielding sucks balls. Our openers suck balls. And our keeper sucks balls.

(5) It's not like other cricketing nations don't have, or have never had, serious problems, but at least with them you know there's a structure and a process in place that gives them the best chance of getting out of it. That's one of the things that struck me most when reading Steve Waugh's autobiography.

(We interrupt this blog post to narrate a random cricket story):

So on my way back to the U.S. in late December, I took Steve Waugh's book with me for the flight. If you haven't seen it, it's approximately 800 pages in length. Anyway, so I'm lugging the book through the security check, when this conversation happens:

ASF Security Dude: Itnee bhaari kitaab kya par rahe hain? [What is this really heavy book you're reading?]

Me: Yeh Steve Waugh kee kitab hai. [It's Steve Waugh's book]

ASF Security Dude: Steve Vaah? [Pause] Champion player. (Shakes his head from side to side).

Champion player, indeed. Anyway, so as I was saying, one of the things that really struck me about Steve Waugh's book was how on-the-same-page everyone in the Australian set-up was, even back when they sucked (mid 80s). Not in the sense that the coach always agreed with the captain who always agreed with the selectors who always agreed with the board. But in the sense of sharing goals, sharing a commitment to communication, and sharing a sense of long-term investment in both individual players and the total product. Maybe I'm crazy, but I just don't get that vibe from the looney tunes in charge of the PCB. First, this Nasim Ashraf treats his job like a paid vacation (he reportedly is always travelling and is already employed in at least two other capacities). Second, no one seems to be communicating with players who've been dropped, or demoted from their contract status, and explaining why these measures have been taken. Third, our selectors (and I say this as a Sallu fan) fielded an almost full-strength side against Zimbabwe - Zimbabwe! - at home, no less. And even when the young guns got a chance, they didn't actually get a chance, with the likes of Fawad Alam stuck behind the likes of Yousuf and Malik in the batting order.

So, dear reader, I ask you: is there any reason, any reason at all, why we shouldn't be filled with despair at this moment in time? What's going to change? Is our fielding going to miracously become better? [No]. Are we going to find our very own Langer and Hayden pair, or Greenidge and Haynes pair, or even Aamir and Saeed pair, at the top of the order? [Unlikely]. Are our quicks suddenly going to become, and remain fit? [Fat chance, no pun intended]. Are the guys in our team suddenly going to forget the apparent strife and decide to get along and sing Kumbaya? [No, and while we're on the subject, I hope Inzi-haters out there, especially on PakPassion, now realize how important the dude was in making sure most everyone got along].



By the way, I just realized that, for a guy who claims not to care about cricket, I do have an awful lot to say about it at 2:26 in the morning. Good night, people.

UPDATE: If you want to see Shoaib Malik's lovely non-bride, please click on the comments and follow the link provided by Nikhil.

A Question For Chicago-Based Pakistani Readers

Do you guys happen to know if I can get Slims Chili Chips from around here? Are they available at one of the stores on Devon perhaps? Reader feedback would be appreciated.

Ego And Alter

Here's Altaf Hussain on the question of ethno-nationalism:

HYDERABAD: Muttahida Qaumi Movement (MQM) chief Altaf Hussain on Saturday evening said provincial and federal caretaker governments should ensure transparent and fair elections and called upon the people to cast their vote on Feb 18 as their national responsibility. He lashed out at the nationalist forces of Sindh and asked the people of the province not to pay any heed to them. He emphasised brotherhood among all linguistic groups living in Sindh, especially Sindhi- and Urdu-speaking people.

And here's Altaf Hussain on the question of ethno-nationalism:

Q.: Will a divided Pakistan be better for Indo-Pak relations?
A.: The persistent brutal acts of inflicting torture against many ethno-linguistic minorities will ultimately force the victims to think about a right to self-determination, rather than demanding their rights in the framework of a federation.

Speaking of chameleons, I love how the former-industrialist and supreme-court stormer Nawaz Sharif is now the champion of the poor and the judiciary. Actually, I'm only being half-sarcastic. I've always maintained that disaffected politicians serve the country much betetr by bitching about it from within the system than outside it. It's excellent news for the state of Pakistan that this seemingly popular man is contesting elections. Participating within the confines of an institution strengthens that institution. Of course, no one in their right mind thinks that any of our politicians are motivated by anything other than power, but that's really no different from most leaders in most countries. The bottom line is: it's good to have Nawaz bhai back. These last eight years haven't been the same without him.

And The Swift-Boating Of Barack Obama Begins

So soon? He hasn't even won the nomination yet. Why would Republicans want to expend all this energy and money for what might turn out to be nothing?

A conservative group -– Citizens United -– that has produced a film now in distribution attacking Hillary Clinton called “Hillary, the Movie,” has its sights set on a new target: Barack Obama.

The group has budgeted about $1 million to produce a documentary film about Mr. Obama that is set to be distributed this summer. At the moment, Citizens United has its researchers poring over Mr. Obama’s records as a community organizer, state legislator and United States senator in the same way that it scoured Mrs. Clinton’s record with a highly critical eye and a sharply conservative point of view.

“Obama is a completely clean slate,” said David Bossie, president of the group. “We will develop the image that we want the people to see. We’re doing the hard work of the research right now. The American people don’t know much about Obama, except that they like his speaking style.”

If the Obama movie is anything like the one about Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Obama had better prepare himself. “Hillary, the Movie,” and promotional ads for it, present statements from Dick Morris, Ann Coulter, Robert Novak, Jeff Gerth (a former New York Times reporter), Newt Gingrich and others in which she is called everything from a liar, to a European socialist to being more devious than Richard Nixon.

“If you want to hear about the Clinton scandals of the past and present, you have it here,” said the movie’s promotional materials. “Hillary the Movie is the first and last word in what the Clintons want America to forget!”

The Obama movie would be the sixth long-form documentary film made by the group, which says it is dedicated to “restoring our government to citizen control.” While some of the movies have been in theatrical release, most are distributed as DVDs on-line and in bookstores.

One prominent Citizens United movie is “Celsius 41.11,” which says it tells the “truth behind the lies” of the Michael Moore movie “Fahrenheit 9/11.” Other Citizens United movies are critical of the United Nations, illegal immigration, and the American Civil Liberties Union, while one movie promotes Newt Gingrich and his ideas.

If You're Wondering Why Some Americans May Struggle With Their Weight

I now introduce you to the bacon-wrapped hot dog. Condiments and heart attacks are complimentary.

Link from Andrew Sullivan.

Rumours of unrest in Karachi

Rumours are circulating that a high ranking member of the ANP has been killed. There are reports of incidents of gun fire at Numaish, Gurumandir, Saddar, University Road, Malir, Al-Falah and Shah Faisal Colony.

People were already tense as tomorrow happens to be Benazir's 'chaliswan' - 40th day after her death which brings to end the traditional period of mourning. This news has panicked people at the office and most people are wrapping up work and rushing home.

Traffic on Shahrah-e-Faisal going towards the Airport is heavy but towards Metropole is very light.

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In other news, BBC is reporting that the temperature in Karachi tonight will fall to -2. This will be the first time in recorded history (since 1931) that the temperature has fallen below freezing.

Click here to check the BBC forecast and here to access the Pakistan Met Office Archives.

Amin Fahim: Always the Bridesmaid...

Asif Ali Zardari-Bhutto has declared that he is the only person fit to lead the PPP and become the Prime Minister of Pakistan.

In today's DAWN, Anwar Iqbal reports that:

Pakistan People’s Party co-chairman Asif Ali Zardari has indicated that he may be the next prime minister if the Feb 18 elections bring the party to power.

In an interview to Newsweek, Mr Zardari based his claim to the country’s highest office to Benazir Bhutto’s will who, he said, clearly named him as her successor.“There is not one single personality [in the party], apart from me, who anybody even knows,” said Mr Zardari while explaining why he thought he should be the prime minister. “No one else has a consensus.”

Setting aside the ludicrousness of his will-based claim, I just wonder what Nisar Khuro, Raza Rabbani and Aftab Shaban Mirani have to say about the above statement.

And lets not forget Makhdoom Amin Fahim, Benzir's trusted lieutenant who was instrumental in restructuing the PPP in a manner that would give Benazir complete control; control that was in large parts implement by her through him. Amin Fahim is immensely respected within the PPP and has tremendous 'street cred'. His father was Talib ul Maulah, the famous Pir of Halla who was revered throughout Sindh and looked upon as a spiritual, moral and, ultimately, political 'guide' (imagine a more important Pir Pagara).

Its ludicrous for Zardari-Bhutto to assume that the consensus, if there is one, regarding his leadership will last. I imagine that he knows this and is using his current position to strengthen his political footing. This is going to be a hard task for him, considering his past differences with important members of the PPP elite. One notable incident that I recall involves Ali Nawaz Shah, landlord and party stalwart from Mirpurkhas and one of Benazir's closest confidant, who famously banned the entry of Zardari into his house and informed Benazir, who would pay frequent visits to seek advise, that she was only allowed into his house sans Zardari. (That she continued to visit him must've really pissed Zardari off!)

Another point to note is that Mr. Zardari-Bhutto is not even on the ticket for the up-coming elections. So for him to become the Prime Minister he would have to pull a Shaukat Aziz (have an elected MNA resign, contest the by-election, get elected to the National Assembly, have the recently nominated PM (Amin Fahim?) resign and then himself get nominated as the PM). And all of this can only happen if a PPP led coalition gets a two-thirds majority in the National Assembly!

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In another DAWN Article, Amir Mateen asks the following questions:

"Will the PPP survive [Benazir's] absence? How will the second tier of PPP react to Asif’s ascension in the long run? Will party maintain its national character? Is there a possibility of a merger with Ghanwa Bhutto? How and when will the next generation of Bhuttos-Bilawal, Fatima and Zulfikar enter the arena? How will the provincial wings of the party react to the new realities? How will Amin Fahim and the rest of the Sindhi leadership behave? What will be Aitzaz Ahsan’s role? Who will join which group in the new power play? The fundamental question remains that how will Asif Zardari carry Benazir’s legacy."


And concurs with Zardari's assesment by stating that:

"the best person suited to keep the party together at this stage is Asif Zardari. Amin Fahim, Aitzaz Ahsan, Aftab Shabaan Mirani, nobody could have done it better than Asif. Like it or not, as said by Safdar Abbasi in a recent visit to Naudero, it had to be a Sindhi and from the Bhutto family."


He also gives us a fascinating insight into the whirlwind world of Zardari-Bhutto:

"The new Ceaser, like in most political parties, was surrounded by courtiers, each one of them vying for a pound of flesh. The journalist team, of which I was a member, missed the flight to Sukkur because the ‘Saiths’ of Karachi, the wheeler-dealer kind, got us offloaded. Everybody wanted to be in Larkana. We found some of them still waiting outside Asif’s room when we landed in Naudero after a rough bus ride of 12 hours. Also present were the Mafioso types who shared jail days with Asif. Now, what should he do? If he sees them we get a juicy story. If he does not, that’s not Asif the ‘Yaron ka yar’.

"For us, the fellow penpushers, Farhatullah Babar and Sherry Rehman, were good enough. But there was an extra troika of media maidens competing with each other for the ears of the Ceaser. One of them, wife of a one-time Bhutto-hater, has had a shouting match with another competitor. She is now quite close to the PPP power centre. Quite a comeback for a man who remains in self-exile in the USA, especially after his spilling, at one stage, all the PPP beans that he had at his disposal to become part of the Musharraf regime."

And Then There Were Six

The gap between Barca and Real is down to six points, after Barca's way-too-difficult-given-the-circumstances win against Osasuna and Real's slip up against Almería. I watched the Barca game and though the pitch was wet, and it was raining cats and dogs, and Osasuna played a smart tactical game, it shouldn't have gone to the 88th minute. Thank God for Xavi is all I'll say (by the way, how many times have the relatively unheralded Xavi and Iniesta saved Barca's ass in the last three years? Just asking). Anyway here's Phil Ball's roundup on the weekend in Spain, containing an interesting nugget on Makelele.

I was once in the Bernabéu when Makelele was playing for Madrid a few years ago. At one point, the destroyer sine qua non of the football world passed a ball to the left that was intercepted by an opponent. The crowd groaned and I turned to my friend from Madrid. 'Why are they groaning at him?' I asked. 'Look' replied my friend, 'Mak's a great player, but he gives the ball away too much - really.' That was a strange comment, since any observation of Makelele since he went to Chelsea would be quite the opposite. He robs it, then passes it a few yards, always with intent, but always keeping it simple. It's been a joy to behold, and it's been the shield that has made John Terry into the defender he is. But in Spain, players had got the measure of him, and had tried to turn the tables on him by doing to him what he did unto others. Effective though he was, his lack of passing creativity did for him in the end, and he was sold on. That's why Diarrà won't last. Real Madrid might gain possession through him, but they cannot trust him to distribute the ball, even simply.

Funny, I thought he was sold on because he was earning one fifth of players like Beckham and wasn't deemed an attacking enough option for the Galactico squad Madird had conjured up in those days. Instructive how it took Real four years to win any trophy after he left, is it not?

Just In Case You Didn't Know What Chicken Meat Looked Like

The News has a story on a fall in prices of chicken meat (I know, the price of food falling - crazy, huh?). Anyway, just to ensure that you know exactly what they're talking about, they've put up a picture of chicken meat right next to their three-sentence story. I would reproduce the picture but that would take time I don't have, so just click here and see for yourself.

Driving Madness: How would you resond?

I was on my way home from the Sunday Bazar. As I walked to my car I glanced at the crazy traffic around me and felt supremely smug as I’d had the brains to park my car 300 metres away from the Bazar rather than at the mouth of the entrance. The five minute stroll saved me at least a half hour of bad traffic.

Still reveling in my parking triumph I headed homewards. It was a gorgeous winter’s day, fresh and crisp, I rolled down the windows, increased the volume of the radio and started singing to a Foo Fighters track. Needless to say, I was really enjoying my drive, something only possible in Karachi on a desolate road. Alas, even this was not meant to last.

I’m traveling on Khy-e-Shujaat, headed towards Khy-e-Ittehad, when I see a car coming towards me traveling on the wrong side of the track. The car is fair distance away so I naturally expected him to cross over to the correct road. This really shouldn’t have been a problem as the island is level ground and the on coming track is completely empty. The car, a late 90’s model Corolla, does not cross over and heads straight for me. I became stubborn and refused to give him way but also a little anxious so I slowed down and ultimately had to stop my car. The car slows down, and finally gets on the correct side of the road. The man driving the car rolls down his window and shouts “CHOOTIAY,” his wife, three kids and maid look on.

I shake my head and drive home. I would love to say that I didn't say a word because I was the bigger man, but that's crap. I was so taken aback by this evildoer's audacity that I was left utterly speechless. For the rest of my, now frustrating journey, I reenacted the scene over and over, in a bid at coming up with witty retorts. Sadly, the best I could do was “your fat mother is a whore.”

Since such instances of retarded-ness are the norm on the roads of Karachi I would like to store some ‘come-backs’ for the future. So, dear reader I ask you to contribute whole heartedly to this exercise and tell us how you would respond.

Links For Sunday

While I slowly extricate myself from the deep abyss of non-laptop, non-Ipod ownership (God, I fucking hate Hyde Park), I provide you, loyal readers, with stuff to read this Sunday.

Chauhdry Shujaat plays hard to get with Shaukat Aziz, and refuses to meet him for dinner in London. I also love how the writer calls Shujaat the "former political godfather of Pakistani politics". I guess I must have been in another space-time continuum when that happened. Chaudhry Shujaat was powerful, sure, but political godfather? Come on.

Blah blah Maureen Dowd blah blah Hillary blah Obama blah blah funny blah as blah blah always blah blah none of the NYT columnists blah blah actually blah agree with their own blah blah editorial staff blah blah who endorsed Hillary blah blah except for Krugman blah blah who no one listens to anyway blah blah.

Husain Haqqani writes that urban middle and upper class Pakistanis are oblivious to mainstream politicians' popularity. He argues that by ignoring their popularity with the lower rungs of society, and focusing only on what they (the urban middle and upper class) get out of democracy, they divest from the political process to the peril of the state, leaving space for, and actively encouraging, military takeovers. My only point would be that the military is, for all intents and purposes, a political party in Pakistan. It relies on patronage networks (like other political parties in democracies), an almost all-weather constituency (the aforementioned middle and upper class), it adopts political parties' rhetoric ("only we can save the country"), and furnishes the political agenda of the state. That's a political party to me. So one can argue that the urban middle and upper classes aren't divested from the political process, but in fact are heavily invested in it. It's just that they're invested in a highly non-traditional political party.

Aitzaz Ahsan enjoys about 48 hours of freedom.

Why Jay Leno can withstand the writers strike better than David Letterman.

Just an outstanding take on the whole Australia-India imbroglio. If you're going to read one item on that affair, make it this one.

Bush congratulates Sarkozy on his wedding. I'm sure he was not at all jealous during that conversation. Bush, after all, is married to her. Sarkozy, on the other hand, is now happily married to her.

Speaking of marriage, don't you love being from a country where men are sometimes forced into marrying their five year-old cousins? Pakistan: Where All The Love That Exists Is Inappropriate.

I guess the following two sentences adequately sum up the foreign policy era of Bush II: "By contrast, Bush's strategies neither succeeded nor endured—not even through the two terms of his presidency—because they did not fit the realities of his era. They were based not on a grasp of technology, history, or foreign cultures but rather on fantasy, faith, and a willful indifference toward those affected by their consequences."

And now, back to moping.

This Is A Somewhat Weird Moment

Right now I'm trying to figure out a game theory problem relating to penguins diving in water where seals may or may not be lurking (seriously). I should also add that I'm in a public computer lab. And four seats away from me, there is a man browsing pictures of half-naked women (well, really 7/8ths-naked women from this vantage point). He appears to be quite unabashed in this venture. Furthermore, he is eating Dominos pizza. I wish I was making this up.

Some Zingers

Apparently sardonicism is the new black.

Here's Irfan Hussain on Shaukat Aziz:

Since writing it, I met Shaukat Aziz, our ex-prime minister who is presently living in London. After our conversation, many pieces of the puzzle have fallen into place. As he insisted that the interview was to be off the record, I am professionally bound not to quote him. But I am allowed to say that I have seldom met anybody as complacent and self-satisfied as he is.

Here's Slate's movie-reviewer on "Meet the Spartans":

Isn't it massive consumer fraud to charge $10.50 for a barely hour-long movie? Perhaps, but it would've been unforgivable to make Meet the Spartans any longer than an hour. This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film.

Here's Adrian Wojnarowski on Kobe after the near-criminal Gasol trade.

As it turned out, Bryant didn’t need to go find a championship team contender.

It came to him.

“My first thought was with Kwame and Javaris," Bryant said Friday, and yes, you had to laugh a little. Rest assured, Kobe’s first – second, third and fourth – thoughts were with Kobe.

Here's Arif Rafiq on foreign sponsors of ethno-nationalism in Pakistan:

Afghanistan, India, and the Soviet Union actively supported, armed, and housed Baloch, Pashtun, and Sindhi separatist groups. Baloch separatists remain housed in Kabul. India’s dozen or so consulates across Afghanistan surely aren’t just giving out free copies of Bollywood VCDs or posters of Salman Khan.

Gail Collins, on why primary voters in the U.S. shouldn't base their decisions on who they think is most electable in the Presidential race.

Experts in voter behavior could not figure out what little New Hampshire was going to do five minutes before the primary. What makes you think you can predict how people in Ohio and Florida are going to feel in November? This is the line of thinking that led us directly to John Kerry.

All of the above also happen to be completely and utterly true, which is always nice.

The Landhi Shootout: Birth of the Bank Robber Terrorist

The recent shoot out in Landhi which resulted in the arrest and infamy of Qasim Toori highlights the changing nature of terrorist activities in Pakistan.

The police had initially identified these guys as bank robbers and not as terrorists which is the reason why they were caught off guard by the sophistication of the weaponry. The news that these guys have resorted to robberies and kidnapping is both troubling and encouraging.

It reflects the success of International law enforcement agencies in stopping the flow of money into terrorist accounts from their usual sources (ISI and rich Arab sympathizers).

The troubling aspect of this event is that the lack of state sponsored funding isn’t stopping them. The new Islamic Militant has become self reliant and learnt to independently fund his activities. And Karachi is the biggest and most lucrative preying ground for the Bank Robber / Burglar / Kidnapper terrorist. (There has got to come a time when people stop screwing up life in this city?)

This also means that Islamic Militancy may now be an entirely local affair and all of us need to come to terms with that.

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A lot has been written about decentralized terrorist organizations that operate as individual cells. The Quaidabad shootout gave us a perfect example of a terrorist cell. A group of people, men women and sadly children, brought together by a shared philosophy lived in the same house as a large family (very reminiscent of a doomsday cult); they were evidently self reliant and probably chose their own targets. How do you stop them?