Thwaddi Ghori!

I was going to write a bit on religion in Pakistan, because its been on my mind of late, particularly given the Jamia Hafsa issue and the projected population statistics that Ahsan had quoted earlier. However, despite having obsessed over the issue it for at least a week, I have been unable to draw any conclusions. Ahsan has asked me earlier whether Pakistan could ever become like Malaysia in terms of being a progressive and tolerant Muslim country, and while my answer is ‘probably not’, I’m still not completely sure as to why.

Instead I figured I’d write something completely different, something which I’ve often discussed with a number of readers on this blog, but never actually taken the time to write about.

Google Trends is yet another great website from the boys over at Google Inc. It basically tells you which countries are searching for what, and how much, and so on so forth. Its great for it allows us to determine trends and patterns, and figure out what exactly societal attention is focused upon at any given point.

How it Works

You enter in a search term, say for example ‘Mobile Phones’.

Google Trends (herein referred to as GT) presents a graph indicating the search volume on the vertical Y axis, and time on the horizontal X axis.

GT also identifies those 10 countries from which Google received the highest search volume for the term ‘Mobile Phones’. Then, for those top 10 listed countries GT calculates the number of searches for ‘Mobile Phones’ coming from each country, divided by total Google searches coming from the same country. Countries are then ranked by the resulting figure, which is basically a ratio of how much that term is searched for relative to the total search volume of that country. See Below for a Sample (all this may be tedious but bear with me its worth it)

So from the graph you could conclude:

a) That Bangladeshis are amongst the top 10 aggregate searchers for the term mobile phone on the internet

b) Within those top ten countries, Bangladeshis have the highest ratio of Google searches for mobile phones as compared to the sum of all the other terms that Bangladeshis search for.

Now that we’ve understood how GT works, we turn to the crucial matter of what the hell the point of this article is.

The Point

Some of you may already know this (due to a prior discussion on Metroblogging Karachi), but Pakistan is the number one country in the rankings for the term ‘sex’ on Google trends.So were not only one of the top ten countries aggregate worldwide, we have the highest ratio of searches as well. Which is fine. West Pakistan used to comprise about 30 million people pre partition, and were now up to 160 Million, and headed towards 357 million in 2050, so its pretty clear to anyone who’s not mad that the men of this country are both blessed and cursed with hefty mojos.

More relevantly, I’m fairly certain the average Pakistani’s doesn’t really possess the vocabulary to search using more specific and targeted sexual terms, and hence is forced to rely upon the more generic term ‘sex’ in order to obtain pornographic material from the internet. This could account in part for the surprisingly high ranking.

Within Pakistan, possessing a healthy libido is obviously socially legitimate and is often feted. And while using the internet to search for pornographic material isn’t exactly the kind of thing for which ones mother might banto mithai, it is usually grudgingly recognized as a necessary unpleasantness, consequently denied and never discussed.

What should however be discussed is the fact that Pakistan ranks number one for a number of other more sinister search terms. Pakistan is in fact, number one, for ‘Cow Sex’. Why? I don’t know. See for yourself below, or click here.

Now if you thought that was bad, it’s really really not. What is truly very bad is that Pakistan is number one for nearly every animal sex search on Google.

Dog S**, Bull S**, Cow S**, Monkey S**, Donkey S**, Cat S** and Goat S**, we rank Number One on Planet Earth for ALL of the above searches (if your wondering why I’ve censored the word ‘Sex’, its because I don’t want these jackass’s googling their way to fiverupees with vain hopes of finding kitty porn). Thankfully, Pakistan was not on the top ten list with respect to ‘sheep sex’. The unsurprising winner of that contest was New Zealand, followed by the equally unsurprising Ireland, Australia and UK (read Scotland).

Given that some individuals truly and perversely love animals, the question then arises as to which animals those individuals would most like to get busy with. GT provides us with the means, and fiverupees with the answer.

By inserting a ‘comma’ between terms, [e.g: Clinton, Edwards], we get two graphs, comparing the relative search volumes of two terms. Moreover, the graphs allow us to spot correlations, as seen below.

Note how the two graphs follow each other, indicating:

a) that the same people who search for Clinton, are also searching for Edwards at the same time

Or/and

b) that there is some factor (such as a democratic debates) which is causing everyone to search for them at any given point (thus causing matching spikes or drops in both graphs), but the searchers are not necessarily the same people.

We may now apply this to our analysis. The following is a chart containing a number of graphs indicating the relative search volumes (hence popularity) of various animals (i.e. the ones for which Pakistan is ranked number 1). Note how the graphs are correlated, indicating that people who like horses, probably also like dogs, and so on.

The winner? Horses. Although they ran a close race with the dogs. All of this is strange enough. But what is truly bizarre is the following:

Yes, you read it correctly. Pakistan is Number 2 in the world for searches for Kate Winslet, 2nd only to India. I’m guessing its because she came naked in Titanic, and because shes pretty buxom, and because the entire Planet including Pakistan & India saw the damn movie without having the good sense to hate it. My hypothesis of desis being interested in Kate Winslet purely on a shallow, ‘I saw her naked in a cinema with my friends and would very much like to see her naked again but this time without any friends’ basis is confirmed by the fact that Pakistan is ‘coincidentally’ Numero Uno for searches on Monica Lewinsky, who possesses no acting skills whatsoever, and is know pretty much exclusively for giving the President some 3rd Base and for having accommodated his cigar.

Mutually Assured Embarrassment

That said, its not all bad news for Pakistanis. India is number one for searches on Erectile Dysfunction, so they can pretty much stop sniggering to themselves right about now. At least we’re able to get busy with horses and dogs, if and when we so desire. As an additional unnecessary jibe, let me also state that it is possible that the only reason the Indians are second on the bestiality lists and not first is because we seem to have the edge in terms of erectile functionality, albeit an edge which we spend upon creatures outside the human race.

And while the Iranians are not really into bestiality, being the Global number one in searches for ‘Fat tit’ strikes me as equally (if not more ) bizarre than dogs and cats. Its not even ‘Fat tits’. Its ‘Fat Tit’, i.e. just the one that the Iranians seem to want (If Tit is some fat comedian or something, I apologize to Iranians, but if it not well then take some solace in the fact that GT owns all our dirty laundry and is aware of all of our stout tit type national fetishes)

I will leave you with one final graph. An answer to the question that I’m sure some of you have already considered, having read this far; do the googling masses prefer Kate Winslet or Horses for their sexual gratification? See for yourself.