An Ode to Bhuttoness: by Wajid Shamsul Hasan

Readers on our blog have occasionally commented that our 'western-educated, secular-liberal-elite, honda-driving, bubblegum-Pakistani' background bars us from opinining on actual social issues, or on Pakistani values. The flip side of that argument is that by merit of our skewed orientation, we should be utter experts at discerning what constitutes effective diplomacy in the West. Given that its apparently my forte', I guess it would be fair to discuss Wajid Shamsul Hasan, Pakistan High Commissioner to the UK.

Recently, he wrote a 1596 word article, about I don’t know what. I do know that its a pompous, right-click-thesaurus bulk of shit. Shout out to Ali Khan for recommending it.

The article has 2 main themes:

1) March is Shamsul Hasans favourite month for a variety of inane reasons
2) The Bhuttos and now the Zardaris are God’s ordained vice-regents on this earth

Given that everyone is smarter than me and thefore unlikley to read the entire thing, here are 10 highlighted excerpts, which I will blog as I read through the article. I'll award points to each highlight for originality, veracity, sentiment and insight (or lack thereof) and tally at the end.

Highlight 1: (his opening sentence)

"London: March is a landmark month for Pakistan. Notwithstanding the Shakespearean ides of March, it became a historical land mark for us as a nation when under the leadership of Quaid-e-Azam Mohammad Ali Jinnah Muslim representatives of from all over the sub-continent decided to seek, strive and achieve a separate homeland."

Score:

- 10 Points for the dumb reference to the Ides of March to sound cool
- 5 Points for saying 'land mark' twice within the space of two sentences.
+10 points for the shout out to Jinnah (I know, I’m a sucker.)

Highlight 2:

"The road to democratic goal post was strewn with the noblest blood of martyred Mohtarma Benazir Bhutto. She had ended her self-exile and was forewarned that blood hounds were waiting to be unleashed upon her by those who had opposed her populist politics of empowerment of the people and who wanted her out of their way to devour and scavenge whatever was left of Pakistan."

Incidentally, the road to the goal post of crap is strewn with the complete tripe written in this article. If after the last couple of weeks you had to pick a single incumbent politician who has attempted to oppose populist politics of empowerment and who has a record of devouring and scavenging what was left of Pakistan, it would be Zardari.

Score :
-30 points for disingenuousness
-5 points for the inane meandering about blood hounds.

Highlight 3

“we can only look forward to a national turn-around if our leadership adopts singularity of purpose and devotes whole-heartedly to solving the excruciating problems faced by the common people and mobilises the nation to fight terrorism and extremism to save the country from being taken over by barbarians who are on the rampage to destroy Mr Jinnah's Pakistan and convert it into a theocratic state."

Score:

+5 points for the populist lip service.
–15 points for the phrases “singularity of purpose” “excruciating problems” and “barbarians who are on the rampage”
+1 point for the Jinnah reference (I know its less than last time, but marginal utility bro)

Highlight 4:

“The nation needs to be warned that these warring pagans are after our territory and want to destroy whatever progress we have achieved. They are in fact-hirelings of our enemies-out there to destabilize Pakistan so that there is excuse good enough for them for take over of our vital national assets.”

Score:

Your mum was a hireling of our enemies. -300 points for being really annoying.

Highlight 5

"The masses also need to distinguish between those leaders who are committed to the preservation of the federation for which Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto and martyred Benazir Bhutto laid down their lives and those who do not get tired of pledging their lives for the country but only seek their survival through parochial slogans as were heard in 1988 when Benazir Bhutto was denied landslide victory in Punjab by General Hameed Gul who had created IJI and clobbered a gang of anti-PPP leaders."

I'd venture that this is the most ridiculous paragraph ever written by a High Commissioner in the history of Pakistan (I say paragraph, but its actually an 85 word sentence that begins with the words “the Masses”.)

Score:

+300 points for distinguishing yourself. High five high commissioner!

Highlight 6:

"Much similar slogans invoking Punjabi chauvinism were raised recently during the judicial crisis. In this context what the nation needs to be cautious about is that the President who is the symbol of federal unity-ever since he ushered in an era of reconciliation and politics of consensus as part of Benazir Bhutto legacy-has been singled out as a target for character-assassination through a most volatile media blitzkrieg. Those hidden hands pulling the media strings to malign democracy and persistently coaxing men on horseback to intervene-are not well-wishers of Pakistan. They are quislings."

Ok I understand now. This fellow lives in the mystical world of Wajid Shamsul Hasan.

According to Bhutto-Ditta Wajid Shamsul Hasan, he often spends the month of March riding a spotted Namibian mare on a giant aircraft carrier made of kheer and dead quislings. He floats hundreds of kilometres above the heavens, on the outer edges of the holy abode reserved exclusively for assassinated PPP leaders. Liaquat Ali Khan, Hayat Sherpao and Murtaza Bhutto are dumb and are not worthy of being remembered in the holy month of March.

Score:
-10 points for not elaborating how Zulfiquar Ali Bhutto threw the one Shamsul Hasan into the fires of Mount Doom.

Highlight 7:

"Pained by what is happening in and around Pakistan and being fed up sitting on the fence as a silent witness to the national failure to rise to the occasion, I decided to write about another March event that played a historic role in the shaping of Pakistani politics. It was a coincidence that on March 23,1929 to Isphanis of Karachi was born a daughter-Nusrat Khanum. She was chosen by destiny to be the great woman behind two great leaders of our time-Shaheed Zulfikar Ali Bhutto martyred Benazir Bhutto. "

Score:

-5 Points for your awful decision to not stay a silent witness.
- 5 Points for compounding our national failures with your atrocious articles.
-10 Points for the bald attempt to link your article with the birth of Benazir's mother.
-1 Point for thinking that Nusrat Khanum was destined to bear a leader of Pakistan, just because she was born on the date of the Lahore resolution.

[On this highlight, I had originally awarded Mr Shamsul Hasan -100 points for something dumb that he actually hadn't written. Apologies]

Highlight 8: (By this point, Shamsul Hasan is waxing lyrical about Nusrat Bhutto)

"Now 80 when I saw her last her eyes were overly blank but there was an aura of
melancholy blanketing her beautiful mien that continues to retain its noble
grace in its fragility.”

What. A. Line.

Score:
+300 points. No questions asked. Just take it and go.

Highlight 9:

“Her [i.e. Her Majesty Nusrat Bhutto] ancestry leading to the legendary Salahuddin Ayubi” – I will spare you this paragraph because it just rambles on profusely and ends predictably with – “brave daughter Benazir Bhutto by her side”.

Score:
0.

Highlight 10:

"In 1947-48 as a young member of the Women's National Guard she carried out personally huge amount of relief operations to provide shelter and succour to the millions of the uprooted refugees at a time when Pakistan had no resources. At that hour of crisis, she stood tall among the tallest of ladies that had plunged themselves in one of the biggest relief operations ever undertaken. "

Score:

+5 points for the part about ‘standing tall amongst the tallest of ladies’, which made me laugh.

Highlight 11: (Forgive me. I know I promised 10, but they just keep coming)

“[Nusrats] marriage to ZAB was also a great turning point in his life. Though himself a highly qualified and richly endowed scion of an illustrious parentage and heritage, stability at home provided to him by Begum Sahiba, enabled him to harness his energies in the service of the nation to the best of his abilities. As the youngest minister he was seen as a great man in the making and the woman behind him was Nusrat Bhutto.”

Dude, I know you don’t want to bite the dick that feeds you. But seriously. This shit goes way beyond sycophantic fiction (Sycofantasia?). Please STOP.

Score:
-200 points for the unabashed fellatio

Highlight 12:

"When he became minister her responsibilities multiplied--as a wife who had to accompany her husband on foreign tours, play perfect hostess to her husband's dignitary guests, look after four growing children whose high quality education was her responsibility and then she had tremendous social responsibilities besides her commitment for the empowerment of women and less privileged."

Score:

- 800 points for not stopping.

Highlight 13:

“The true strength and greatness of her character--manifested itself-“ blah blah blah blah I write things blah blah blah blah P is the best letter of the Alphabet blah blah blah blah blah I Like Being High Commissioner blah blah blah – “Benazir Bhutto”.

Minus 1 point for every additional word written after "true strength" because frankly marking your gas has gotten boring. According to my new per-word marking scheme, that means a further –506 points.

Highlight 14:

“Politics is a game of uncertainty especially when egomaniacs are on the loose."

Yes. Not only a game, but a game of uncertainty. All the other games in the world, are of course based on certainty.

And if there are political problems in Pakistan borne of large egos, please stop writing about them. Unless of course it is to make some heartfelt admission about your embarrasing public affection for your boss, his wife, his wifes mother, his wifes mothers father's father (to the power of ten - i.e. Saladin Ayyubi), their children, and anyone else within political sucking up distance.

Score:
I’ll leave this one for the comments section.

Final Score:
Mr Shamsul Hasan's final score (Subject to the commenter’s Marks for Highlight 14) is negative Seven Hundred and Seventy Five Points. Nice.